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Will We Sink Or Swim?


12/3/09 05:08 - 28

How I Read.

Novels and nonfiction are relatively alike. First my eyes see every word as a word, and my mind plays the word in my head, using that internal audio-like process we humans somehow developed (there is a correct term for this cognitive ability, but it has escaped me). It is a fast process, but my brain is thinking of the words, before the meanings, imagining the shape of the letters in, interestingly enough, a particular font. The font used on blogspot, which my momentary google search tells me is "Georgia" (here I would offer a sample, but apparently livejournal works nothing like how I remember it for fonts). It is weird that my brain tries to picture the letters even though they are clearly in front of me.
Eventually, my brain stops internally playing back the words as I read them, and I am no longer reading the words, but reading their meanings and conjuring up relevant images. Occassionally there is the bare whisper of a narrative voice in my mind. Did I mention that the whole internal noise thing confuses me? I childishly suspect that my ears are actually hearing the internal noise, then I start thinking in circles about how the noise is not really a noise at all, but more like the sound of someone mouthing words, utterly imagined, like (to string two similies together) when the tv is muted but you look at the tv and are still able to hear what technically isn't there.
Occassionally, my mind will dart off to somewhere relevant to a particular word. Quite often, if my mind has been playing some event over and over, trying to figure it out, my mind will dart back to that topic with the tiniest of motivations. Unsurprising, really.
Another thing is that, if my self-conscious mind is being awkward, it'll be difficult to make the transition from the first stage of reading to the second, and once I finally get to the second, I will become self aware of the fact I am reading, and abruptly lose my reading groove, and the process will have to start again, but slower, because my mind will be very, very aware of every single word I see.

Plays on the otherhand, I feel quite distant from when I read. The format is vaguely distracting, and usually I am reading the words (in something close to the first stage) and thinking about them logically. It often means that simple things like plot and names are lost quickly
in my memory (for instance, I cannot remeber much about The Tempest at all), but often is one or the other than is lost (I could easily tell you what happens in King Lear, but I could not name his daughters. Though I can faintly remember the shape of the words and the more I focus on decoding individual letters, the closer I come to remembering the names- for instance, I just remembered Cordelia is one, R is another, G another too, perhaps). I could probably offer up a few quotes from most of them, though.


Oh, and on a more ocd theme: really wishing I hadn't noticed what I did about twitter. I can feel my mind desperately trying to convince me to list future potential formulae, and also a potential despair when the numbers eventually change. On the other hand, I like maths, so shush.

13/1/09 06:34 - 27

I'm tired and wide awake. All my thoughts and warmth seem to be rushing to my ears. I keep thinking about thinking about shapes [sic]. I will start thinking in shapes, I always do eventually. There is brain babble and wonderings, until suddenly, it's all shapes. Not triangles or squares, just vague forms, a metaphysical commentary of everything I feel. It is better than the babble, it's so much more instinctive.

What do other people think during kisses?

It's one of those odd questions that can be asked, but always seem faintly out of context. I have lots of questions I feel can't be answered, but in reality, it's just awkward to find someone who has an answer. What do blind people see? The answer is not nothing. Is it dark? Light? Do they see everything in their minds eye? Do they build up an image of the world even if they can't truely fathom the concept of 'image'? If they do...how accurate is the image.

That'd be the impossible question.

*closes eyes* There are other things. Subjectivity is a killer for me. Perception. Time. Reality.

And then, people, of course.

9/12/08 02:17 - 26

'Sup livejournal. Been a while, huh? How are you? Me? Well..

I found a girl called Alice and she is adorable and dorky and, while I could (and have, and will) gush endlessly about how fucking.awesome she is I can summarize for those of you who have lives, huhum, she's gingery and cute; I am me. Therefore: <3, omg.

Remember when I used to go to uni? Yeah, me either. Lots of skiving that's going to kick me in the butt soon (and already has, psychology assignment, whut?). I'm very gratful that this semester seems to be very fond of exams (and that said exams are in January), therefore essays aren't too apparent. However, I'm going to have to spend all of christmas studying. Yeah, it doesn't sound very likely, does it? Since I missed my never-knew-about-it psychology assignment, I'm going to have to do amazing at the exam. Which is on social psychology (hate) and abnormal and individual psychology (like). *closes eyes* Catching up on stats should be okay as long as remote access doesn't go down, and as long as my tech skills are still amazing. Philosophy-esque subject is just an essay, as far as I'm aware, and that was finished months ago (see, we geminis do think ahead...rarely). Key concepts, I feel okay about. Having looked through the exam details, it seems like as long as I revise Freud and basic philosophy, plus a few back up subjects, I should be able to get through it.

Next semester, I am going to have to get back into it. I am on the cusp of having to face the consequences of taking this term so easy, and I don't want to repeat a year. As long as I apply myself (to use teacher lingo) in the second semester, the worst that can happen is a few repeated classes in third. I don't want that, but I can handle it.

Uni aside, life is good. I got my captaincy in Halo, I know, you're not impressed, Captain is a bit of whatever, but I love being a Captain. I'll only start freaking out and trying harder when I get Staff Captain. The reason, btw, it took me so long is because I always played on team slayer and social (my captaincy is on lone wolves), so all my stats are hideously awful, but I'm good at the game, dammit and my kill average is awesomesauce. I'm that guy carrying the team and refusing your party requests, you useless gits.

In other gamingism, I'm playing through Final Fantasy II just now, on the old gba...rather than the emulator, for a change. I finished all the Phoenix Wrights, and I'm going to start Apollo's franchise. Personally can't wait for Edgeworth's game, mostly because I <3 Gumshoe. Oh, I bought Guitar Hero 2 a few days ago, so I'm trying to go through that. I never got through it all at co'burn, so, occasionally doing that, occasionally swearing at stupid songs (psychobilly freakout, I'm looking at you). Also, joined Stabby's rental company, so, should get some easy gamerpoints when some of those games come through (lol, Avatar, you are going to bump me up so much XD). Also, bought Lego Star Wars 2, been going through some of that. Lots of replay value, and Lego, still, in my humble opinion, making the best Star Wars games. Back off Force Unleased, you will never compare to Lego Han Solo, smirking and stealing kisses from Leia. Oh, and then there's The Orange Box, which I finally got my hands on. Love it. Portal is perfect, short and sweet. Team Fortress. Just...Just yes. All of yesterday was spent with random interjections of Valve impersonations. I do a goddamn perfect Scout ("Yo, sup? ...BOINK!"), a very limited Sniper ("boom, headshot"), and a pretty good Engineer ("Spah's sapping mah sentry!").

But, fuck, nothing. NOTHING. Compares to Stabby's Engineer impersonation. We were sitting in the front room, and being geeks and she just came out with it and IT WAS FUCKING PERFECT. I love her forever. :D

So, yeah, I would quite like to be the Engineer. But I have way too much stuff planned for Tokonatsu. Like, Edgeworth and Squall and Duo costumes, all of which are done (though, new shoes required). I need to finish my Matt costume, because the vest has been sitting there waiting for me to get round to it for the longest time. I just bought the supplies and, well, it'll be done soon, I hope. Plus, it means I get to go to H & M, again, and buy a stripeh top. Also, that awesome jumper I saw the other day (but was sold out, fail).

I'm also going to have to deal with the fact I said I'd be Duke Devlin. I got way too caught up in the omgsexybackallday excitement. Oh, and fuck, totally gonna have to repeirce my ear. Oops.

Hmm, wondering if I could sneak a visit to Alicepants when I'm down for Toko. Might be an awkward time. Plus, since all my clothes are going to be insane, may be weird. Thank God[ot] that she is such a dork, I could never get away with being so nerdy otherwise ^-^

And since the post has offically gone full circle, I think it's time to stop.

2/11/08 22:12 - 25


it is difficult to be alive

9/10/08 03:04 - 23

And I like it here.

But sometimes I hear moans from other buildings...

And I was under the impression I would not see the stars.

15/9/08 18:27 - 22

For Paula...Collapse )

11/9/08 23:58 - 21

Our paths aren't crossing. Fuck, Deo, I fear that you are the only one who could pull me out of this. Distract me from my distain with yours. Distract me with sex. I want to borrow from you, steal from you. I want to crash our minds together.

And I'm heading your way, but not soon enough. We could end the world.

9/9/08 23:29 - 20

I'm so excited. I'm online! But I don't know how...or why...Well, I do know how, kind of, but, what I really don't know is what I'm going to be charged. Or if I am going to be charged? Am I stealing this internet? Is this internet already paid for?

If a bill comes through, of course I'll pay it, but the real question is....why is the internet still connected in this house?


according to the provider site, it appears the internet bill is paid in advance, meaning that the internet I'm using is already paid for. possibly.

fuck, I don't know, I just wanted to check facebook. leave me alone.

5/9/08 00:40 - 19

Leaving soon.

Also, I have a PSP. My mother bought it for me, along with Crisis Core. Lucky choice in game; I squeed.

I do love Zack.

31/8/08 15:10 - 18

Moving into the flat next week, sometime beyond Wednesday (I imagine Friday or Saturday). There is a horrible amount of stuff I want to do before then, that, of course, will never be done. Fixing the gunblade, for one. It's not broken, but it does need work. I don't know, if I think too much, then there is too much to be done.

From what I hear, there is a bit of work that'll need to be done to my room before it'll feel right. I have a lot of ideas...But I need to get rid of my bed in order to do them. Small rooms cause problems, but I can fix them. I hope.

I'm scared space will limit my videogaming opportunities. There'll be no internet for a while, and no sky either (because, well, same thing in this instance), so videogames are going to have to be my vice (as well as reading, obv). The books can go in my tent, no worries, but where will the games go? They might have to claim the front room. Hm. And I need to download roms for Marth. I don't want him getting bored, y'know?


I feel bad for the boy I've claimed. He sent me a message saying he missed me. I miss him too, but there's just too much to think about. I guess I should email him and explain...right?
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